Beverages – Alcohol and Non-Alcoholic Quotations

Beer

The Quippery

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
– Stephen Wright –

Canada has many competitive advantages in making world class beers: proximity to malt barley, large fresh water supply, educated workforce and more than 10 million local beer drinkers.
– Beer Canada –

I always do my best thinking over a glass of beer. Two heads are better than one.
– From the Best of Bridge –

My wife left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mom’s.” I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I’m not sure what she was talking about.
– Author Unknown –

Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.
– Irwin Corey –

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
– Dave Barry –

When the water of a place is bad it is safest to drink none that has not been filtered through either the berry of a grape, or else a tub of malt. These are the most reliable filters yet invented.
– Samuel Butler –

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-Dave Barry –

Other Alcohol

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
– Ernest Hemingway –

Always remember, Clemmie, that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
– Sir Winston Churchill –

Because you are wrong, you know, when you say that drink is a disease. It is the nostrum of the lost, the panacea of the unhappy. They drink to drown their sorrows, and because sorrows, alas, know how to swim, they must drink deeper and ever deeper.
– Katherine Roy –

Buck and Ear Pub
– Fun Pun Name found on the internet –

But I’m not so think as you drunk I am.
– Sir J.C. Squire –

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink.
– Author Unknown –

If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
– Dean Martin –

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name or how you met or why they’re dead.
– Laura Kightliner –

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
After four I’m under my host.
– Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker –

I’ll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody.
– Hawkeye – M*A*S*H 1973 –

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
– George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? –

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle.
– Henny Youngman –

My mom has a plaque just inside her front door that reads, “If we get to drinking Sunday afternoon and start insisting that you stay over until Tuesday, please remember we don’t mean it.”
– Erma Bombeck –

Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
-Author Unknown –

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine –

That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.
– Charles Bukowski, Women –

There’a a phrase, “the elephant in the living room”, which purports to describe what it’s like to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic, an abuser. People outside such relationships will sometimes ask, “How could you let such a business go on for so many years? Didn’t you see the elephant in the living room?” And it’s so hard for anyone living in a more normal situation to understand the answer that comes closest to the truth; “I’m sorry, but it was there when I moved in. I didn’t know it was an elephant; I thought it was part of the furniture.” There comes an aha-moment for some folks – the lucky ones – when they suddenly recognize the difference.
– Stephen King –

To be safe on the Fourth
Don’t buy a fifth on the third.
– James H. Muehlbauer –

When I feel athletic, I go to a sports bar.
– Paul Clisura –

You can’t drown your sorrows; they know how to swim.
– Gladiola Montana, short version of quotation by Katherine Roy  –

Coffee and Tea

All the coffee in Columbia won’t make me a morning person.
– Author Unknown –

American-style iced tea is the perfect drink for a hot, sunny day. It’s never really caught on in the UK, probably because the last time we had a hot, sunny day was back in 1957.
– Tom Holt –

A morning without coffee is like sleep.
– Author Unknown –

As far as her mom was concerned, tea fixed everything. Have a cold? Have some tea. Broken bones? There’s a tea for that too. Somewhere in her mother’s pantry, Laurel suspected, was a box of tea that said, ‘In case of Armageddon, steep three to five minutes’.
– Aprilynne Pike, Illusions –

COFFEE.SYS Not Found: User startup disabled.
– Author Unknown –

Déjà Brew: The feeling that you’ve had this coffee before.
– Author Unknown –

Do I like my coffee black? There are other colors?
– Author Unknown –

Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?
– Jean Kerr –

I’m a little teapot, short and stout.
Here is my handle. Here is my spout.
When I get all steamed up, hear me shout.
Tip me over and pour me out!
– The Teapot Song, written by George Harold Sanders and Clarence Z. Kelley –

In Britain, a cup of tea is the answer to every problem.
Fallen off your bicycle? Nice cup of tea.
Your house has been destroyed by a meteorite? Nice cup of tea and a biscuit.
Your entire family has been eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex that has traveled through a space/time portal? Nice cup of tea and a piece of cake. Possibly a savoury option would be welcome here too, for example a Scotch egg or a sausage roll.
– David Walliams, Mr Stink –

In Seattle you haven’t had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it’s running.
– Jeff Bezos –

Honestly, if you’re given the choice between Armageddon or tea, you don’t say ‘what kind of tea?”
– Neil Gaiman –

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles.
-Dave Barry –

“Police work wouldn’t be possible without coffee,” Wallander said.
“No work would be possible without coffee.”
They pondered the importance of coffee in silence.
– Henning Mankell, One Step Behind –

Water is the most essential element of life, because without it you can’t make coffee.
– Author Unknown –

You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.
– C.S. Lewis –

Soft Drinks

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
– Author Unknown –

Make no bones about it, soft drinks are taking over. If the soda industry has its way, kids will be pouring Coke over their Count Chocula.

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