Food – Cooking, Eating and Meal Quotations

10-hamburger-surprise The Quippery

A good cook needs storage, a bad cook needs a dog.
– IKEA sign in a store –

And I find chopsticks frankly distressing. Am I alone in thinking it odd that a people ingenious enough to invent paper, gunpowder, kites and any number of other useful objects, and who have a noble history extending back 3,000 years haven’t yet worked out that a pair of knitting needles is no way to capture food?
– Bill Bryson –

Anyone eating an entire can of albacore white tuna packed in water for a snack must be prepared to work out financial arrangements.
– Erma Bombeck –

Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.
– L.M. Boyd –

A person who observes the rules of proper nutrition is a person who should never be placed in charge of a barbecue.
– Dave Barry –

Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what’s for lunch.
– Orson Welles –

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.
– Fran Lebowitz –

At a dinner party: “I came from a well-to-do family. My mother was always saying, “Well, to do that, you’ll need more money.”
– Cathryn Baker Hopkins –

Behind every successful man there’s a woman saying: “What do you mean you’re going to be late for dinner?”
– Robert Orben –

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarfs began to suspect ‘Hungry’…
– Gary Larson, The Far Side –

Chaos is six women plus one luncheon check.
– Author Unknown –

Chili is much improved by having had a day to contemplate its fate.
– John Gordon Steele –

Chinese food – you do not sew with a fork and I see no reason why you should eat with knitting needles.
– Henry Beard –

Condiments are like old friends – highly thought of, but often taken for granted.
– Marilyn Kaytor –

Cookbook – Service manual for the kitchen.
– Author Unknown –

Cooking is love made visible.
-Author Unknown –

Don’t trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar.
– Author Unknown –

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
– Author Unknown –

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
– Author Unknown –

Eat Now – Pay Waiter.
– Author Unknown –

Family dinners are more often than not an ordeal of nervous indigestion, preceded by hidden resentment and ennui and accompanied by psychosomatic jitters.
– M.F.K. Fisher –

Fight tooth decay – eat through your nose.
– Author Unknown –

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
– Erma Bombeck –

If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn’t show up.
– Dr. Seuss –

If a recipe calls for a double boiler, turn the page in the cookbook.
– Dee Ann Stewart, Secrets to a Simpler Life –

If we could train ourselves to breathe through our ears, we could put our faces right down into the soup and not require spoons.
– Author Unknown –

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
– Author Unknown –

If you don’t have kids, don’t go places where they eat for free.
– Dee Ann Stewart, Secrets to a Simpler Life –

I’ll bet what motivated the British to colonize so much of the world is that they were just looking for a decent meal.
– Martha Harrison –

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
– Mitch Hedberg –

I’m in favor of liberalized immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I’d let just about everybody in except the English.
– Calvin Trillin –

In Mexico we have a word for sushi – bait.
– Jose Simon –

In those days, at least in my small town, parents didn’t seem to worry so much about what their kids were doing as long as they made it home in time for dinner.
– K. Martin Beckner, Chips of Red Paint –

I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
– Author Unknown –

I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.
– John Mortimer –

Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?
– Lec Stanislaus –

I suffer from entertaining anxiety… a fear that I can’t juggle the timing of three things alchemically transforming themselves in dangerously hot places.
– Dominique Browning –

I understand the concept of Cooking and Cleaning – just not how it pertains to me.
– Sign in a store –

Jenning’s Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
– Author Unknown –

Last night we went to a Chinese dinner at six and a French dinner at nine, and I can feel the sharks’ fins navigating unhappily in the Burgundy.
– Peter Fleming –

Life is like an 6-slice apple pie at a 12-guest dinner banquet. If you just sit back and wait for it to come to you, chances are, you’re going to miss dessert.
― Donald L. Hicks, Look into the stillness –

Luncher is a combo of lunch and dinner. Too late for lunch, but too early for dinner. Trademark pending.
― Gena Showalter, The One You Want –

Meat is murder, but fish is justifiable homicide.
– Jeremy Hardy –

Most of you are familiar with the four basic food groups:
1. Food that causes heart attacks
2. Food that causes cancer
3. Food that causes strokes, and
4. Food that’s bland but harmless, unless you choke on it.
– Jim Kokoris –

Mother to child at the dinner table: “It seems like yesterday we practically had to hit you over the head to get you to eat your vegetables. Now all of a sudden you’re a vegetarian.”
– Joe E. Buresch –

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
― Orson Welles –

My idea of feng shui is to have them arrange the pepperoni in a circle on my pizza.
– Author Unknown –

Never eat more than you can lift.
– Miss Piggy’s Guide to Life –

O’Reilly’s Law of the kitchen – Cleanliness is next to impossible.
– Arthur Bloch –

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
– Mark Twain –

Shake and shake the catsup bottle.
None will come, and then a lot’ll.
– Richard Armour –

Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that’s confusing.
– Author Unknown –

The Chinese also think in a particular way because of the way they cook. The meal passes on to the members of the family a certain insight into history, family ties, holidays, celebrations – in short, into one’s place in the scheme of things.
– Jeff Smith, The Frugal Gourmet –

The first thing I remember liking, that liked me back, was food.
– Rhoda Morgenstern –

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
– Calvin Trillin –

There is no known navy-blue food. If there is navy-blue food in the refrigerator, it signifies death.
– Erma Bombeck –

There is one thing I have never taught my body to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
– Erma Bombeck –

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again.
– George Miller –

Well, dinner would have been splendid…if the wine had been as cold as the soup, the beef as rare as the service, the brandy as old as the fish, and the maid as willing as the Duchess.
– Sir Winston Churchill –

Woman serving dinner to husband: “It’s a hamburger surprise. You had it yesterday and the day before, and you certainly didn’t expect to get it tonight.”
– Jerry Marcus –

Young woman to friend: “I thought about a meaningful relationship with Bob, but then I found it involved cooking.”
– Author Unknown –

You might be a redneck if … your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
– Jeff Foxworthy –